


Fireworks At Dawn

by eternaleponine



Series: Ghosts That We Knew [23]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Deleted Scene, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-07
Updated: 2014-07-07
Packaged: 2018-02-07 22:10:46
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,616
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1915704
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/eternaleponine/pseuds/eternaleponine
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A deleted scene from Carol's point of view, taking place after <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/951779/chapters/4085502">Chapter 53</a> of <a href="http://archiveofourown.org/works/951779/chapters/1861493">Time For A Sign</a>.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fireworks At Dawn

Carol hadn't slept on Jessica's floor in a long time. She couldn't remember exactly when things had changed, when her sleeping over had shifted from a sleeping back on the floor to occupying the other half of Jessica's bed, but it wasn't a recent thing. 

It was only recently that it had really started to bother her. And it shouldn't. She knew it shouldn't. She told herself that it didn't, even, but although she was decent at lying to other people when necessary, she really wasn't all that good at lying to herself... at least not about this. 

And it didn't help that Jessica had nightmares, and that sometimes they woke Carol up even when they didn't wake Jessica, and that reaching out and touching her back, whispering to her that it was all right, it was just a dream, it was over now and she was safe made her stop twisting and moaning in her sleep. 

It didn't help that more often than not she woke up to Jessica watching her, her face only a foot away, less, and that as soon as Carol opened her eyes Jess looked away like she'd been caught doing something she shouldn't. 

Like she was thinking, feeling, _wanting_ something that she thought she shouldn't. 

Carol told herself she was just projecting.

Because she was guilty as charged. Guilty as hell.

But anyway, she always slept in Jessica's bed with her, and it didn't _mean_ anything, so why tonight, of all nights, could she not just settle in and sleep? She hadn't had anything to drink (maybe it would have been easier to sleep if she had) and so she couldn't blame that. Sugar, maybe, but that wasn't it and she knew it.

She couldn't sleep because her entire body itched and ached, but the cause wasn't medical. (Hormonal, maybe, but not medical.) She couldn't sleep because even now, with Jess long since asleep beside her, she could still see the way the fireworks had reflected in the darkness of her eyes, still see the wonder in her face like she'd never seen anything like it, and maybe she hadn't. She could still hear the way her breath had caught as the night sky exploded into color, and she could still feel the press of her into her side, and the way that their fingers tangled together as Jessica clung to her hand, squeezing hard enough that it almost hurt but Carol wasn't about to complain.

She couldn't sleep because somewhere in the middle of all of it Jessica had turned and looked at her, and for a second – just for a second – Carol had been convinced that she was going to kiss her... and for a second maybe Jess had been convinced of the same thing because she leaned in, and then there's been a particularly loud crack and she'd looked away to see what it was and the moment was gone.

She couldn't sleep because no matter how hard she tried, she couldn't think about anything but that second where it felt like finally, for once, everything was coming together and working out the way she wanted it to.

And she could live with all of the rest of the shit if she at least had one good thing, right? 

She shifted, moving away from Jessica, as far from her as she could get until her back was pressed to the wall, and even that wasn't far enough so she climbed out of bed as carefully as she could, figuring that maybe she could hide in the bathroom for a little while until she got herself back in check. 

But Jessica woke up, and saw her standing in the middle of the room, caught in the act of trying to escape. "Where're you going?" she asked.

"Bathroom," Carol said.

"Mmkay." Jessica closed her eyes again, and Carol made her escape.

She sat down on the lid of the toilet and pushed the heels of her hands into her eyes until she started to see stars. She wished for a drink, for something to calm her nerves, because what did she have to be nervous about? Nothing was going to happen. Nothing was going to change, because it would be stupid to risk her friendship with Jess on the chance that maybe it could be something more.

She thought about just leaving, just going downstairs and getting her keys and driving away, driving home where she had a bottle stashed, and drinking until she had swallowed down all of the feelings she shouldn't have, and maybe if she was (un)lucky thrown them back up so that she was purged of them entirely.

But what would Jessica say, when she woke up and discovered that Carol was gone? What would she do? Would she panic? Would she be pissed? How would she explain her sudden disappearance, when the truth was, 'I had to go because I couldn't stand to watch the way the moon turned your face into silver and shadow anymore, because it was – you are – so beautiful it makes my throat ache and my heart pound and I just couldn't take it anymore.'

Yeah. That would go over well.

Maybe she could just sleep on the floor. At least that she could explain away with being restless and not wanting to wake Jessica.

But when she opened the door, Jess was awake, her eyes open and watching her, and she scrunched her legs up to allow Carol to climb back into the bed without accidentally kneeling on her, and what could she do?

"What's wrong?" Jess asked, her voice low and husky like it got when she was sleepy or upset. 

"Nothing," Carol said. 

"Don't lie. I can see it in your eyes."

"Really," Carol said. "I swear. It's nothing."

"It is," Jessica insisted. "It's something. And it's not just tonight. This isn't the first time I've seen it. You look at me and it's like... like you're in pain. Like I'm hurting you. So just tell me so I can fix it."

"I can't," Carol said. "I'm sorry, Jess. I love you, but I can't."

She realized what she'd said only after it was out, when it was too late and she couldn't take it back. And she wracked her brain, trying to think if she'd ever said them before, because just saying 'I love you' didn't mean anything... well, it meant _something_ , it meant _a lot_ , really, but it wasn't the same as saying that she was in love with her, but would Jess know that? Or would she hear the truth of it even if she knew that there could be – there was – a difference?

"You can," Jess insisted, and if she'd heard the words it didn't seem as if she'd processed them, or maybe she was ignoring them or maybe she didn't think it meant anything and maybe that was better. "Carol, _please_."

And she reached out and pushed back a lock of Carol's hair, and her fingers brushed her cheek, and it was something that she did to Jessica sometimes, to be able to see her face and know that the words and the emotion behind them weren't at odds, or just to give her comfort, sometimes, and Clint did it to Natasha, too, for she suspected the same reasons, and...

"I can't tell you," she whispered, and she felt like she was choking on the words. "But I can show you."

"Then show me," Jessica said. "I want to make it okay."

_Kiss it and make it better._

She reached out, pushing Jessica's hair back, and leaned in, slowly, giving Jess all the time in the world to pull away if she wanted to, if she figured out what was happening and wanted no part of it. But she didn't move. 

Their lips met, and it was everything that Carol had thought it would be, everything she'd hoped for, and when she pulled back she felt Jessica shift, lifting her head from her pillow to prolong the contact for the tiniest fraction of a second before she realized what she was doing, realized what she'd done, and shoved Carol away.

"Get out," she hissed. "Get out."

Carol didn't even try to argue, because what could she say? That she'd only done what Jessica had asked? That she'd wanted to know and so Carol had told her, only without words? That it didn't mean anything, it didn't have to, they could just go back to how things were, they could just be friends and it would be okay?

There was no going back from this. She'd known it, and that's why she hadn't done it. But Jessica had insisted and so she'd given in and this was what she'd been afraid of, and what could she do?

"I'm sorry," Carol whispered. "I'm sorry."

"Just go," Jessica said. "Leave, and don't come back. I don't ever want to see you again."

She didn't even sound angry, just resigned, and that hurt worse than anything. Like she wasn't even worth wasting any kind of real emotion on. So Carol left before she started crying, because she knew as soon as she started she wasn't going to stop.

She made it to the door, but she stopped with her hand on the knob. "I meant it," Carol said, the words ragged in her throat.

"I know," Jessica replied. 

And as Carol opened the door she couldn't resist the urge to look back, just one more time, to see the way the moonlight turned Jessica's face to silver and shadow. So she saw the lines that traced the other girl's cheeks even as she looked away.


End file.
